I’ve been asking myself, after what has been happening recently and of course, what has been happening in my life for the past 29 years: is it still worth it? Is it still worth going thru all that obstacles, go thru all that shenanigans, the hoo haa, the drama, the everything… and when you’ve realise you’ve probably have reached your destination, you look behind, left, right, top, bottom, center… there’s no one around. I have friends, but sharing the joy & happiness with them would only last for some time. Then we move on. I have family, but sharing with family is different. You can get personal, but not too personal. I had a loved one, and sharing with her was everything. For a time in my life, that void space was filled and I wasn’t afraid of working my way to where I want to be. For a time in my life, I was able to share and not hold back of what I can pour into when I’m sharing with her. I wasn’t afraid. It was like when I feel like I’m on top of the world, I wasn’t alone. It”s not only about success & achievements, it’s about those “top of the world” feeling that you have when the right situation comes into play. I thought I could do deal with this loneliness with my sister’s kids; helping & spending most of my time with them, learning how to change diapers & how to keep yourself awake during those crazy nights. Most importantly, I learned how to love them like they were my own. And I learned how to share my “top of the world” moments with them. For a while, I wasn’t alone. A bit. But when the kids grew up & the family moved and I also moved to a different place, I was kind of lost. But hey, I still get to have weekends with them. So, that’s awesome! It made me think, maybe I like to have kids of my own someday… But that’s not the point. The point is more like whether if all of these is still worth it? Career, adventures, personal ventures, sad & depressing moments of your life; I start to wonder whether if it’s all still worth going through? For a very very very very long time, I’ve been telling myself that it’s ok to be alone. It’s not about friends here. It’s not about meeting & making new friends. I love them and I will cherish them for as long as I can live. And it’s not about family. You know you can’t really share everything with family. And I love my family. I love them so much. No, it’s not about them. It’s about that one person. That one person that you can just share everything and not hold back. You are able to share & learn to live a life together. Yea, that one person. That is what I miss the most. And I want that. That would completely make everything worth it. At last, I will be at peace…
For a moment, I feel fragile a bit. This sucks.