Thoughtless. That’s what most would say. Ungrateful. That’s what most would judge. Confused. That’s what I am.

Not long ago, I was in a school which dropped me my first taste of love and pain. The memories, ahh, are just so sweet. Our flirtatious game never seem to stop in and out of school. We kicked, we play, we smile, we laughed. All together. Her pain and joy was shared, as she was never alone. But came a day, God gave me a lesson, “your choice is your destiny”. And did i make the wrong choice.

The pain. It wasn’t pain, it was sadness. It wasn’t sadness, it was hurt. The hurt. It scarred me. 1001 stitches, i thought it would heal. I was wrong. Wound reopened, I was in pain. Neither did i care nor felt the pain, but i knew it was eating me like a chocolate muffin. And so was i, eating a chocolate muffin to sedate myself. Was it worth enduring the pain? Yes, it was.

It was a choice. What is a “choice”? If you look into the famous Oxford dictionary mama would buy, it means a decision to your own liking, or something like that. But how do we understand the choices we make? Do we experiment them? Do we analyse them? Do we rip them apart and look into the small little parts that made it into one? No, we just live with it.

Some can say, the choices we make are the ones that can change our destiny. I agree with it and I resent it. Choices are just small parts in play that we called reality. A monkey is able choose between a good banana and a bad one. But does it change it’s destiny? No. The monkey still loves bananas.

We seem to assume that we are the ruling beings on earth. Why? Just because we choose to say our intelligence is the upper hand. Yet, we choose to suffer and make others suffer. Let me repeat, we make others suffer. Like it or not, yes we do. We choose to say whatever we want to, as I choose to write. But does it change anything? Does it change destiny? Maybe. Probably. I don’t know.

Every cycle I endured, I relived everything that had happened. Weird, sad but true. It is a wheel. But what makes it different is the choices I made. The choices I choose. The choices I thought was right. The choices my heart says “hey, go for it”. But was it worth it? Yea. Was it worth the pain? Yea.

Humans actually learn their lesson by regret. We choose to regret on whatever and whichever choice we make. If its good, we regret on why can’t we do any better. If its bad, we regret by sulking or resenting the choices we made. But how does a monkey regret? It just walk away and never look back.

My highschool drama was relived at the moment I never realise I was flying back in time. It was nice. It was sweet. But what did it end up to? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And i feel grateful for that, for I am happy it happened. For I am feeling joy with absolute no regrets. Am I lying? Probably not. Infatuation can be a pain.

We can be confused and consumed by our own regrets in choices we make. We say we are strong, but we are weak. You say you macho, I say Tom Selleck. It is to live with and to live without. It is part of us. Can we stop it? Yeah, only when you’re dead. As the great Samurai X has said, to die is easy but to live, it takes a lot of courage.