As i worked thru my day, i took the slightest opportunity to lay back and think what has become from the years of my days. Now it seems harder to predict, harder to stipulate. My years as a son, brother, confidant, friend and colleague; has been worthwhile and thoroughly, wasted. Wasted not by my un-healthy activities, but merely placing myself at the mercy of others for most of the time in my life. Truthfully, i was merely and will always be a servant in the lives of my circle. A servant that will heed to his master’s call. I only have one master, but i have many ‘worldly’ masters pointing 1 finger at me with 4 fingers pointing back to them. But why i still serve? Because it’s my duty. My duty is to serve.
Strangely though, i asked myself, a servant? Huh, what? Being a servant is nothing much more different than not actually being one. We are, we all are, a servant for something we believe in, a servant for something we cherish, a servant for something we live for. it’s undeniably a simple truth, yet manipulated and twisted by our own minds in order to create, what you would call, self. We create our own illusions, our own dreams, in order to keep us sane. We always try to create a life out of a life. But, do we know how handle a new life? No, we learn by experience.
Here’s what i think is a misconception. Most of us would think, the more experience you have, the better person you will become. Well, yeah, it’s true in some point of view, but it’s not. We have been taught, experience will bring the best or the worst out of a person. Experience will be the key guidelines in order for us to live our lives. But experience also, is a one man’s nightmare. Our experiences too, will be an open target to our enemies, who is out there to make the kill. Most of us, don’t realise this. Most of us, with our own ego/principles/way of life, call it whatever you want it too, would think that our bad and good experiences would make us stronger. We are not weak. We are strong. Well, ain’t that right?
We are weakest at our most proudest moment. We are weakest at our most celebrated victory. If you put a king, in a middle of the battlefield, with all his pride and glory, hailing his sword into the air to shout for victory, i would just aim an arrow at him and bring him down. End of story. The king is dead. But what am i trying to say? Are we supposed to be weak and strong at the same time?
It’s all about balance. Life itself, has it own balance. Yin and Yang. Black and white. Male and female. Fire and water. Mind and soul. Everything comes in a pair. Everything will always be two from one. But how do we find the balance that we need? Stethoscope? Microscope? Telescope? Chickscope? How? How can we define our lives that we refuse to understand, to accept and to change? It’s not what you know, it’s what you understand and accept matters the most. If you try to make the phrase a logic, you will never find it. There is no logic when i say that, because the phrase itself is complicated and difficult to understand. If you relate it back to experiences, you can say it’s like when you go through something, you’ll understand it better. But sometimes, it doesn’t have to be an experience, what it really needs is understanding. Accepting as it is. Our brain was made for logic. Everything that we do, everything that we think about, we always try to make it as a logic. 1 + 1 = 2. But, in understanding, there is no logic. There is no logic in accepting things as they are. It remains, and will always remain a mystery. To some, to understand means to make it logically understandable. For me, understanding has a life by its own. It completes the balance in my own nature. Akal dan hati. Mind and soul.
To be fat, you eat a lot. To lose weight, you exercise or you just stop eating. To die, you kill or be killed. But what is the constant element in these situations? Time. Time is the element. How fast? How quick? How late? How soon? Time to understand and time to learn. When you learn, you don’t justify things by its logic, but merely by accepting as it is. Once you’ve accepted it, you will try to learn more about it and wanting to have better understanding about it. After that, maybe, you will know better.
If you read back from the beginning, try to ponder about it. Try to learn the meaning of my words. I am not asking for you to live my life, oh please, i won’t allow it. But all I’m asking is a simple understanding to the way things are, the way I understand things in a different perspective. Abstract? Maybe. But how to understand such complicated realities that can drive you mad? I don’t know how.
To have possibilities, is to have the ability to create them. How? I don’t know. Most possibilities of life are there, so they said. But isn’t it just there already? No? Life is a balance of 2 elements. The known and the unknown. These are like the elements of possibilities, because there is so much of the known to be understood, so much of the unknown to be learn. But if you say that “possibilities already lies there”, those are known to you. What about the unknown?
Matters like these will always remain unanswered. No matter how hard you try to put it into perspective, you will be lost soon enough. Sometimes, it can be that you’re just not meant to understand these kind of matters, because for your heart, its true. But for your mind, it’s not true. To be almost perfect, is to have both , mind and soul, work as one. But how? That remains a mystery.
I am 24 years old today. I love my life and I am not ashamed of where it is now. Changes? Yeah, i’ve changed much that I’m not the same. But, I will always be the same.